Thursday, April 29, 2010

Another Pile of Ruminations (watch your step)

  • Right. I'm not to mention anything about our office's Subway-sponsored production of "The Tempest" in three-part harmony scheduled for lunchtime today.
  • [From the Rickisms file] Songjà vu (song’ zhä vü) noun 1.) Psychology. The familiarity of an album’s, or media player’s, sequence so much so the listener can hear the subsequent track moments before it actually plays; a forehearing. 2.) Slang. You’ve been listening to this album way too long.
  • Dear U.S. government, there’s this new-fangled thing called the “Internet” which might be a more cost-effective, “greener” method of checking your commodities (i.e. census). Please consult with Mr. Al Gore (the Father of the Internet) for details. Signed, Middle-Class America.
  • Uh, yes, I have a question. What if, say, a friend goes to a wild party and has sexual relations with several unfamiliar partners, only to discover the next day his shorts resemble the inside of a used handkerchief. Should that friend be concerned, or will this go away before the big party next weekend?
  • Failed pickup line No. 138: “Bet you score high on the Wonderlic exam?”
  • Septic guys are in the parking lot repairing our sewer woes. I asked them if they’ve heard of a game called “sinkers floaters”.
  • [RE: Newborns] It's like riding a bike. A bike that burps, poops, and cries - sometimes all at once - and leaves you floundering alongside the freeway of life, drained and sleepless. Congratulations!
  • You can catch flies with honey, but you'll need a jigger of whiskey to snare yourself a Leprechaun. Just sayin’.
  • I’d thought I’d let you know (while I’m still coherent) that in preparation for tomorrow’s festivities, I’ll be gettin’ me Irish on with this here half-pint of whiskey, then shortly afterwards I’ll be gettin’ me shamrocks off all over town. Consider yourself warned.
  • Care to debate my lineage, or would you rather wear this mug? ‘Cause you’re given me good reason, to throw you from this pub. Now I have mind my manners, put my differences aside. But another swig of whiskey, and you’ll feel me Irish pride.
  • “Only a moron would pick this team to advance in the tournament – given the overwhelming, previously undisclosed, information we’ve been spouting since the tipoff of this wildly lopsided game.” (Is a loose translation of what the announcers are REALLY saying about my March Madness selections.)
  • When do we stop calling them basketball shorts and start calling them capris?
  • Back in my day (when milk came in cartons), running with the basketball was called traveling: a violation which awarded the other team possession of the ball. Today, however, a player who carries the ball from the top of the key, past 27 defenders, thru concession alley, runs under the basket for a reverse layup, is called a big-time player.
  • The weatherman says it’ll be a clear, sunny, and dry hump day – so, that must explain why I’m on top of my game.
  • I just read an article which listed tips to keep your keyboard clean. I don’t think it’s the keyboard that’s dirty; I think it’s the phuckin’ words I’m typing.
  • The Feds already determined the honey bee population is perilously low. I guess the bees had to have their Census Forms turned-in earlier than us.
  • It’s quite remarkable considering the doctors said I wouldn’t live a day past my 7th birthday – on account of my alcoholism. Who’s laughing now?
  • Archaeologists recently unearthed a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife in the tomb of a high-ranking Egyptian official. Upon opening the door they were surprised to find the tattered remains of my March Madness bracket, which was described as being, “grotesquely misinformed.” After flushing their eyes with an ancient remedy (urine), workers fled the site in fear of an eternal curse. Oh the humanity.
  • I failed to stifle an inappropriate laugh when confronted by the latest wave of door-to-door mega-church recruiters, which, I guess, explains why they backed away as though snakes were crawling from my eyes.
  • If you’re keeping score, I’m pointless.
  • Just discovered the asterisk on my I.D. indicates, “Mentally challenged, but pretty high functioning in some respects.” Ouch. And I thought the lady at the DMV slipped me the handi-capable plate ‘cause she was flirting with me.
  • I had the new-hire read the opening paragraph of the employee manual, then I told him to rip it out. “Be gone ol’ mission statement entrenched in yesterday’s ideals. We are not a stagnant office content with status quo. No, my new friend. We ride the wave of new technology to the ever-shifting sands of tomorrow.” Then we discussed bathroom etiquette.
  • “Here is where the magic happens,” I told the new-hire, who was respectfully noting my orientation. “Here is where ideas meet the pipeline.” I then stood back and let the automatic urinal flush.
  • I'm prepared for anything, unless something happens.
  • Yes, your child is adorable - the way he flails his arms around while listening so intently to our conversations – now can you get him to stay in YOUR booth?
  • A new baseball season is underway, which can provide some entertaining background – for those of you scoring at home.
  • Whoa, hold on there John Deere. Just because your yard is a lush undulating green expanse during an otherwise dormant season for warm climate grasses, it's not because you’re blind-eye method of neglect has magically rewarded you with the perfect lawn. No sir-ee. Those are called weeds. Yep. And they’re having an orgy ALL OVER your yard.
  • Doc says I have a club foot, I say I’m improving my lie.
  • When the judge said take a 30-minute recess, I naturally assumed there’d be a playground out here. I stand corrected. Now, may I please have my kickball back?
  • My son’s enticing pleas of “tasty bait” and “c’mon, it’s good for you” immediately shifted to his Schwarchenegger impersonation once he set the hook, “Ahhhhh! You ah dinnar to me NAW!” (I don't know who was more surprised: me or the fish.)
  • I’m Busy writing another commencement speech for graduates of the ICS Medical Transcriptionist correspondence program. (They hang on my every word.)
  • Y'ever laugh at something while forgetting someone in the room actually likes Coldplay?
  • Ate a whole roll of Smarties this mornin' and I gotta say, I'm just not feelin' it.
  • Sometimes you gotta wonder; is it the medication, or lack thereof?
  • A salesman approached as I was scrutinizing a high-tech washer/dryer combo and offered his assistance. As I peered at the price tag atop the washing machine I asked, “Is there some reason why these prices are marked in pesos?”
  • For those classmates who voted me, “Most likely to purchase energy efficient appliances,” I have finally fulfilled your prophecies.
  • An Ohio death row inmate tried to delay his execution by claiming he was allergic to the anesthesia used in the lethal injection. Really? Wouldn’t that be like trying to convince the hangman your allergic to rope?
  • I know we’ve been going in circles for some time now, and I may have dumped on you a time or two when no other options were available and you could’ve easily erupted on me, but you didn’t – you held your ground and I respect that. So here’s to you Mother Earth. Have a happy Earth Day!
  • A 41-year-old Wisconsin woman was arrested Wednesday for shooting pedestrians with blow darts from her minivan. When authorities contacted the woman’s “representative” he reportedly said, “Look, she’s new, alright? Obviously, we have a conflicting interpretation of the term ‘blowjobs’.”
  • Fading to a commercial break, the camera focused on two guys wildly applauding in the studio audience. Both were wearing dark-blue v-neck sweaters over buttoned-up polo shirts, and both had heavy-product-Twilight hair. I remarked, “Hah, they’re dressed exactly alike.” To which my wife replied, “They came out of the same closet.”
  • George W. Bush will be releasing a memoir soon. It’s rumored to be loaded with pop-ups and press-n-snickers. I think they should title it, “They Misunderestimated Me.”
  • Turkish scientists claim to have discovered the remains of Noah’s Ark atop Mt. Ararat. Much to their surprise, they also found James Cameron filming a scene in one of the Ark’s many stables. “Funny,” the Turkish scientist mused, “but I don’t recall the bible saying anything about Noah’s wife posing for a nudie-portrait.”
  • If the Census Bureau knows response is lackluster, doesn’t that indicate they already have a headcount?
 © Copywrite 2010 Rick Rantamaki

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