Monday, November 16, 2009

An Old Family Recipe - For Disaster

Hey, it's almost turkey time again! So, by popular demand, I'm re-posting my old family recipe for Wild Turkey Surprise. Now, I'm not much of a chef and, well, aside from fixing a bowl of cereal, this is the only dish I'm permitted to prepare indoors (that was, until last year's fiasco with the fire department, but your results may vary). It's an old family recipe that's really hard to screw up (you can take that as a challenge...unless, of course, you have an aversion to sharp objects).

Wild Turkey Surprise

  • 2 boxes of wine (the white kind)

  • 1 turkey (no larger than the oven)

  • 4 loafs of bread (preferably stale)

  • 1 box of crazy straws

  • 3 Grade A large eggs (anything lower and you’ll get sent straight to your room – without supper)

  • 8 stalks of celery

  • 6 maids-o-milking (strictly for the entertainment value)

  • 1 large yellow onion

  • 2 teaspoons of ground sage

  • 2 sticks of real butter

  • 1 large knife (should look lethal)

  • salt and pepper

  • paprika

Open wine box per instructions. Dispense into wine glass and garnish with crazy straw. Sample. Tell the kids, “It’s a juice box for grown-ups.”

Position oven rack at lowest setting and preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Sip wine.

Release turkey from vacuumed-sealed, impact-resistant packaging. Careful with that knife. Sip wine. Remove turkey neck and giblets and wave them about like puppets until your spouse tires of your “Who’s on first?” routine.

Extend crazy straw range with additional crazy straws. Test new connections. All leaks shall be repaired until the straw assembly is free of all leaks. Send kids out of the kitchen.

Find your choppy-board thingy. Chop onion into little onion pieces. Careful with that big knife! Avoid touching crazy straw with those oniony hands, cause boy that’s not a pleasant combination. Chop up the celery, too, into smaller celeries, too. Refill wine. Call the in-laws to come pick up these meddling kids.

In saucepan (did I tell you you’re going to need a saucepan, cause you’re going to need a saucepan), in saucepan, melt 1 stick-o-butter over medium heat. Add chopped up stuff. Refill wine.

Break bread and moisten with the water. Place in the place of the large mixing bowl. Replace empty box-o-wine with this box I found over here’s the box I told you to get for this recipe. Open with that knife is sharp! Get the door, will ya?

You tell your in-laws that you’re tired of them telling you how to raise their children...and their cat smells funny too. Why do they always look so mad? Jeez, I thought they'd never leave.

Rub the toilet seat with this stick of butter I found and wait for your spouse to go to the bathroom. This is going to be really funny. Do you smell something?

Remove burning saucepan from stove and swat smoke alarm with THIS THING IS HOT! You were gonna have that sofa cleaned with a slip cover anyway I found a bigger cup so we don’t have to mess with that silly glass thingy no more. Who left this turkey in the sink?

And that, my friends, is how you make wine box snowshoes. Be sure to tune in next time when my wife says, “Those maids don’t need any of your help?”

Copywrite 2009 Rick Rantamaki


Aimless said...

hahahaha! Oh man! That was funny! I'll have to remember that one for next thanksgiving. People sure do ask you to submit a lot of things. Are you secretly really famous?

K, Death Cab For Cutie??? Never heard of them and apparently, thanks to your page, I love 'em! What a crazy name for a band. It led me to check out what other bands you like on your profile to see what else I've been missing and btw, I love love LOOOVE ben folds! I like to listen to them especially when I'm pissed off. I crank it up REAL loud and scream "AND GIVE ME BACK MY BLAAACK TEEE SHIRT!" Makes me think of that line from the movie "The Wedding Singer," when he dumps his witchy ex-girlfriend..."and take off my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up!!!"

RRantamaki said...

If you like Death Cab you should sample “The Postal Service” too (a side project for Death Cab members Ben Gibbard (vocals and guitar) and Chris Walla (guitar)). I was hooked on them the first time I heard, “Such Great Heights”. Their songs give your mind an opportunity to drift amongst forgotten memories – I’m not to referring to moments where their music was a soundtrack (because their music hasn’t been around that long), but rather, I mean their vivid and refreshing lyrics are like a stroll through a gallery of emotions. The imagery is effective, and I try to incorporate it in my writing.