By RICK RANTAMAKI http://rantamaki.blogspot.comBack by popular demand, even more daily ruminations! (also known as mental vomit) I'm beginning to think these should be printed. . . on toilet paper.
1. "Each time you make a choice, that creates an alternate reality in a new universe.” Snatching the menu from my hands, my wife handed it to the waitress and said, “He’ll have today’s special."
2. Normally just a metaphor, I once found myself in a backwoods bar literally proclaiming, “I don’t want to get into a pissing contest over this.”
3. A recent US market research study revealed that 40 percent of Twitter messages are “pointless babble.” The study went on to say stuff about other things, but I got sidetracked while Twittering updates of my prostate exam.
4. What kinda day are you having when a prostate exam is a humorous convenience?
5. Behold! I’ve been permitted to venture outside – unsupervised.
6. If I could only be half as proud of MY book as the college bookstore is of THEIRS.
7. From today’s Reuters newsfeed – “Cash-strapped Cuba says toilet paper running short” (I dunno, maybe they should print their money on something else.)
8. “…and who brought the water cannon when you needed talked down from that ledge, eh?”
9. From the “Senility’s Surprises Everyone” File: Today, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping Minnie Mouse during his visit to Walt Disney World. The man claimed he was just trying to locate Minnie’s mouse pad.
10. Can the folks at Oxford Dictionary sue me for plagiarism?
11. Welcome to the South – where the mirrors quiver to the beat of thumping Bibles and the Holy Water is served iced and thickly sweetened!
12. I’ve got raisins on the bran.
13. While making a run for more beer, a brazen drunkard (whose license was revoked because of a previous DUI conviction) attempted to evade police by weaving in and out of traffic on his riding lawnmower. The police chief was later overheard saying, “He thought he was a cut above arrest.”
14. “The Guiding Light” soap opera will end its record 57-year run. Here’s a suggestion for the show’s finale: During a steamy adulterous interlude, the walls of the set fall away exposing a group of monkeys backstage, spinning a wheel labeled: amnesia, plane crash, adultery, evil twin, dream sequence, lost at sea…
15. Spellcheck: Can't live with it, can't liv witout et.
16. Nigerian Army attacks Islam . . . with email scam, which promises an all out holy war (provided the Islamist supply the Nigerian Army with an initial stockpile of weapons). “Nobody falls for that crap,” said an Islamic official, unaware of his colleagues ululating in the streets below.
17. “Accountability is not my concern, ‘cause Sunday resets absolve me,” was too wordy for their bumper sticker so they went with, “Born to Pray.”
18. Born to be riled.
19. Dementia: It's where the "YOU ARE HERE" arrow is pointing (and I thought I was in Sane).
20. Mondays: It’s what caffeine is all about.
21. It’s neurotoxin time; a little pick me up to put me down.
22. The necessity for his bicycle helmet wasn’t immediately clear until the well-dressed lad said, “Good afternoon sir, do you realize your inclination towards caffeine is destroying your relationship with Him?”
23. Learning Spanish (the hard way): Apparently, "Emergency Room" means "FREE health clinic" in Spanish. (Hey, this full immersion crap is paying off.)
24. I exist only to satisfy your idea of reality . . . and this is what you make of me?!
25. NASA officials recently admitted they accidentally taped-over Neil Armstrong’s infamous “giant leap” video. That’s right, what was quite possibly the most significant film footage captured by mankind now only contains the ‘79 season opener of Diff’rent Strokes. Just goes to show, you really DON’T want a rocket scientist working the VCR.
26. From the "All Eyes on Us" File: We piled into a booth at a local pancake house. My two sisters and I on one side, mom and dad on the other. Before the waitress could take our orders, mom’s side of the booth collasped with a thunderous snap. Our dad slowly slid down the lopsided bench and into mom. Smiling broadly behind his bushy gray mustache he said, “I like this place, it’s cozy.”
27. According to California tax officials, legalizing pot could generate an estimated $1.4 billion in revenue for the cash-strapped state. The officials went on to say that they plan to continue their analysis some time after the pizza dude arrives.
28. A story my mother liked to recount: A kid in her elementary class raised his hand during a lesson and asked to go to the bathroom. The elderly teacher, who was notoriously hard of hearing, earnestly replied, “You can sharpen it later.”
29. From the Epiphany File of my childhood: “If you have nothing nice to say,” mom once chided, “then don’t say anything at all.” Without a hitch, I responded, “So, tell me more about this sarcasm stuff.”
30. There’re times when age knocks you for a loop. Moments when you realize, life’s happened. And when you’re finally able to refocus, it becomes clear… the message was delivered by a younger generation.
31. Okay, why would anybody publically claim to be Michael Jackson’s cosmetic surgeon?
32. From the Preposterous File: The lab results are in and whadda you know, I'm a child of Michael Jackson too!
33. I politely declined the invitation to attend Michael Jackson’s funeral citing, “He lost touch with me once I started middle school .”
34. An entry on our subdivision’s online forum (verbatim): “how many rules we need ,does wee need all that does we realy think wee need to hold grown ups hand and tell them everything...“ Apparently, I overlooked the Lobotomy Clinic on our amenities list.
35. How many movie trailers does it take till you forget what movie you came to see?
36. The cat continued to clean its paws as the lieutenant sifted through the crime scene. The only witness crouched in the corner, wrapped in a blanket and sobbing. She wasn’t ready to talk. She didn’t need to, because the discarded Scratching Post condom wrapper said it all.
37. Sometimes I even surprise myself, especially when my arm's asleep.
38. From the Distorted Ego File: We waited patiently while the harried clerk attended to some other customers. As the clerk tried to sort out a myriad of requests, she turned to me and mindlessly said, “You're something else.” I turned to my wife and said, “You see, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along.”
39. From the No Respect File: During a workload meeting one of the principals indicated he needed Adam S. for the afternoon, which would temporarily pull Adam S. from Adam B.’s project. So I said, quite cleverly, “Sooo, you’ll be splitting Adams today?” Not one laugh. Not one. For a moment I wondered if perhaps I didn't say it out loud, but the incredulous glares said otherwise.
40. "Why do I keep asking myself questions? I dunno. Do I enjoy interviewing myself? Yes, because it keeps you from asking questions I'm trying to avoid. Can I go on like this? Absolutely. I'm prepared to do this for as many seasons as they'll pay me." - Kate Gosselin
41. Shhhhh... I'm secretly controlling the plane with my cell phone. Flaps up, flaps down, flaps up, flaps down, flaps up...
42. Do you think the airlines train their pilots to mumble morosely over the intercom?
43. Tough Crowd: I've tried several times, but no one at this airport is amused by my Herve Villechaize impersonation.
44. Alright, I kept runnin' into this same guy in the airport restroom (he was singin' and pissin' and carrying on) and I thought he lived there or something, but during my last sortie I figured out it was just a full-length mirror.
45. Alone with my thoughts (which violates a restraining order somewhere).
© Copywrite 2009 Rick Rantamaki
2 comments:
RE: #39
I was laughing inside. I've heard a lot of jokes on the name Adam in my day, but I think it was the first time I'd heard that one. So congrats on that at least. Thanks for including me in the blog though.
I love reading these ruminations. They're a riot. Keep them coming.
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